Tuesday, November 4, 2014

Adventures in Infertility #91

#91  Oops I Did It Again

This may have been one of the most embarrassing things to ever happen to me.  In my mind it even trumps the time in grade school my pants ripped on the playground exposing my undies for all to see.

One semester in college I was in a class taking a mid-term exam.  The exam was long and although  I knew the material, it seemed to take for-ev-ver to finish.  The professor had said that once we had finished we could turn in our tests and leave.  I was thankful for this because my next class was clear on the other side of the campus and I often barely made it before lecture started.

The big clock on the wall ticked off the seconds in the quiet room as everyone quietly concentrated on their exam.  I flipped to the last page silently giving thanks, answered the last few questions, grabbed my bag, turned in my test and was out the door.

Across the campus I walked, lengthening my stride excited to get to class a few minutes early and get a better seat.  Maybe one next to someone who actually cared about learning instead of talking to their neighbor.

When I got to the large lecture hall students were milling about because the doors hadn't been opened yet.  I looked for the others I normally sat with but didn't see them in the vast crowd.  Maybe they were running late?

I couldn't believe I had made it in such good time!

The doors opened and everyone jostled for position trying to get a good seat.

You must understand that this class was legendary.  The professor, a former CIA agent, was an excellent lecturer full of energy and life.  His American History class was always packed to capacity.

I found a seat midway up the risers near the center and settled in.  I wasted no time and pulled out my notebook, flipping to the crisp, clean, college ruled notepaper in the back so I could take notes.  I fiddled in my bag trying to find my favorite pen and then the lecture started.

The wrong lecture.

I looked up.

On the overhead projector were graphic depictions of sexual positions and the professor at the front of the room, a stranger to me, was lecturing on oral sex.

My face burned with embarrassment. My eyes wide with shock.  I think I even forgot to breathe because I heard someone suck in a giant breath of panicked air. Yep, it was me.

Now, just so you know I am not a prude.  Okay, maybe a little but that isn't the point.  I had been married for at least a year at this time.  I knew what sex was all about.  But sitting in room full of strangers, looking at graphic sex to the low whirl of the overhead projector fan, hearing an old woman drone on about the "ins and outs" of oral copulation, it was like sitting next to your parents during a racy bit in a TV show or movie.  I just wanted to crawl under a rock.

Psychology of Human Sexual Behavior.

It was the class just before my history class.

I hesitated for a moment or two, my mind spinning, trying to decide what to do.  Should I just stay put?  Should I make a run for it?

I grabbed my notebook and shoved it into my bag and tripped over my own hasty feet as I wound my way past other students craning their necks around me to get a better look at the pictures projected up front, to the end of the isle and up to the door at the back of the class room.

I gave the door a giant shove and Click! BANG! ECHO...ECHo...ECho...Echo....echo....

It
Was
LOCKED!

Because of the loud noise made from me shoving the push bar on the locked door everyone had turned to look at me. I turned, stunned, face feeling like the surface of the sun, wiped my sweaty palms on my jeans and made my way slowly to the front of the class room and out the door.

Ahhhhhh!

I rushed outside into the cool air and collapsed onto a bench feeling my cheeks with my hands making sure my face hadn't actually caught fire.  I felt so stupid!  How could I have been that early?  How long did it take me to finish the test in my previous class? I looked at my wrist but had forgotten to wear my watch.  I looked around but the halls were deserted.

I decided to just sit and wait.  I pulled out my binder and re-read last weeks lecture notes to try and calm my nerves.  It took a few minutes for my breathing returned to normal. And then I was lost in American history.

After what seemed like an hour students began to file out of the lecture hall.  I waited for it to empty COMPLETELY and then took my bag and wandered in with all of the other students.  This time I found a chair right by the front.

The History professor wasn't there yet so I took out my notebook and turned to a fresh page, fiddled in my bag for my favorite pen.  As the lecture began, I was horrified to realize that this was STILL HUMAN SEXUAL BEHAVIOR!

What the what?!?

I grabbed my things, not bothering to put them back in my backpack, and rushed for the door.  I glanced at the clock.  It was still 20 minutes until my class was set to start!

As it turns out, it was the perfect storm.

I must have gotten out of my previous class at least an hour early to catch the start of the psychology lecture.

This particular class, I found out later, always took a 5 minute "bathroom" break - eww - halfway through the hour lecture.  Which brought me in a second time.


The moral of this story is to ALWAYS WEAR A WATCH on all of your adventures.


*Laughter is the best medicine right?  Why not laugh at my infertility?!  I do not mean to offend with any of these posts, it is just a way to let go a little and see the humor in our situation. Please laugh with me!

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