Tuesday, March 25, 2014

Adventures in Infertility #34

#34 I am a Failure:  A Car Ride Pep Talk

I recently spent some time with the most fun group of women!  We laughed, we played games, we ate amazing food.  When I left I was feeling so joyful!  It had been such a fun night.  I wonder why, then on the car ride home, I had the same word running through my head and my heart over and over again.  Failure.  Failure. Failure.  It made me think of many things. I am sorry to say my joyful night turned into a tearful car ride home.  

I wonder if this ever happens to anyone else?

These are the things I thought about.  The things that helped me realize I AM a failure and it's a pretty darn good thing!

Some once said, "No other success can compensate for failure in the home."

Failure.  It is a funny little word.  A punishing word.  Knocking the breath from your lungs, breaking your spirit and your heart, making you doubt yourself.

No matter how much I try and deny it.  No matter what I tell myself or others tell me. I am a failure.

I have failed.

It might not be so stinging if I hadn't tried so hard.  We have all had those little experiences when we have tried to do something and it hasn't worked out and we just shrug our shoulders and say "oh well."  But when those moments come along when we pour our entire being into an effort.  When we employ every tactic we can think of to reach our goal and we still fall short, those are the moments that define us.  They are fiery furnaces of our lives.  The point where we will decide who we will allow ourselves to become.

It made me think of a woman I met once, a long time ago, who had been married many years. She was well past her child bearing years.  She and her husband had never been able to have children and they had never had the income available to adopt.  She was bitter and sad.  She held open disdain for mothers and could not bring herself to leave her home on Mother's Day.

At the time I could see myself in her.  I did not want to become her.  

It made me think of the Parable of the Talents (Paraphrased here by theologian Elder Ronald A Rasband).

Would I be afraid?  
Would I hide myself in the earth?  
Would I squander this magnificent gift of life that so many would have given so much to obtain?  
Who would I allow myself to become?

This is not a dress rehearsal.  This is IT.  Our lives are not perfect. We can't wait for them to be perfect to begin being happy with them.

And this not being able to have babies, this trial, this hiccup in my plan, whatever it is...It is not the worst thing that could happen to me.  I am NOT the mother who's child was taken from this world earlier than anyone could have imagined.  I am NOT the wife who's husband gave his life in service to our country.  I am NOT the abused or down trodden who can only find relief in the bottle or the pill.  I am NOT unloved or unwanted.  I don't have children, but I do have so many wonderful blessings.

So, while I may be a failure at doing something so many others do effortlessly, I am also a failure at staying down when life knocks me down.  I am a failure at seeing the glass as half empty.  I am a failure at quitting.  I am a failure at believing that my life doesn't have meaning and purpose.  I have failed at being bitter and sad (most of the time).   And these failures feel so good!

You know, the older I get, the more I realize I am happier when I am happy (Deep thoughts right?)  ;)

Plus crying make this funny thing happen with my snot.  Do you remember when you were a kid and you mixed baking soda and vinegar?  It's like that, only with snot.  Not. Pretty. At. All.

*Laughter is the best medicine right?  Why not laugh at my infertility?!  I do not mean to offend with any of these posts, it is just a way to let go a little and see the humor in our situation. Please laugh with me!


Vera Hoskins said...

This post is perfect. Perfect for everyone seeing only the bad in their lives. This applies to women who have never found an eternal companion, this applies to people who struggle with addiction, or loss, or any other thing that seems so terrible it consumes their every thought. Amber you are absolutely amazing to have such depth and perspective into your own emotions and thoughts, that you are able to see joy through a window that some would find too clouded up with life's problems to believe there was anything worth trying to see on the other side. I am a better person for knowing you...and especially for reading your blog :)

Kat said...

Yay for failing! Love this post and your positive attitude. Keep the posts coming!!