Monday, May 24, 2010

Gratitude

It has been one long week, attached to another long and frustrating year, just one more train car in a lifetime of barely pulling through. Michael was very sick this past week. He spike a 103.5 fever for a few days commencing as soon as we finished helping out at our stake service project two Saturdays ago. After the fever came the coughing and shortness of breath. After a 4 hour round-trip drive to Fresno to see the school Dr they determined he had a respiratory infection. He got some antibiotics. The next night he got up from the bed because he was having trouble breathing and immediately passed out, smacking his face on the dresser before landing on floor. I'd never seen anyone pass out and was terrified. He came-to after a few seconds, went back to bed and insisted on getting up and going to work the next morning. Afterall, since I haven't been able to find a job yet, we need the money.

WARNING: Rant coming up - skip to the next paragraph if you want to. I'll never know :)
(This just seems to be our lot in life. "needing the money" for things others just seem to get. No matter what we try, how hard we work, study, pray, fast this never seems to be removed from us. You want to be pregnant, to have a family, a few children? Well, you need money - only $30,000 or so just to try, no guarantee. You want to finish your degree, maybe get some grants since it is grad school? Welp, sorry you're gonna need some money, maybe $40,000. It's not like we spend what little we have recklessly. We pay our bills, get some groceries with coupons and go on a date night once a week - again with coupons. That's it. No vacation, no new clothes, no computer games or books. I wonder if this will ever change? Will this be ours? Sometimes I think we drew lots before we got here and we got the "you will never succeed at anything" stick. It's true sometimes I try and bargain as I pray. I'll say, "Okay, no family for us - we get it. Maybe we could be blessed with a good education so we can have a home of our own someday?" Or..."Well there's not any money left to continue in school and because we worked hard last year we don't qualify for anything but loans...maybe we could have a good job that could help us pay the tuition?" The answer is most usually no. And then I think, well if we did all we can do then we just keep going, keep doing what we are doing. Try each day and when (not if) we fail, we just take a few deep breaths and try again.)

BACK to the real story...that night, after Mike went back to bed I sat up all night long watching him sleep, making sure he could breathe and thinking about our life together. When we were first married I had a dream that I had married someone else and at the reception I saw Michael across the room and I knew that he was who I was supposed to marry - that it was he who would bring happiness to this life for me. I dreamed it every night for 3 nights. Every morning I would wake up and be thankful for the opportunity to marry one of Heavenly Father's choice spirits upon this earth. He is unfailingly kind. He never turns down an opportunity to serve others. He honors his priesthood by serving others, by reading his scriptures and holding FHE (which is a little boring sometimes with just two adults who've already had personal and family scripture study for the day) and family prayer. He tries his best and even though things rarely seem to work out for us he still finds his smile each and every day. I am so grateful to be married to such a man, to have the privilege of being sealed to him for time and all eternity. That night as I listened to his fit full sleeping I thought about our life together and what a happy time it really has been to share these unhappy times with him. There is no one else who could have brought joy like that into our lives. We are truly blessed.

Michael is feeling better now. His infection is gone and he is going to be bringing a little joy to minor league baseball tonight. He's singing the National Anthem for the Modesto Nuts tonight!

2 comments:

Vera said...

I tried to read this a few days ago and for some reason it wouldn't let me, you must have been working on your blog that day or something. That being said, i wish i had something comforting to say. I want to just give you a great big hug and say, "it will all be worth it...i promise!" Adam and I had some crazy rough times after finally having Elaine Adam had a lot of trouble getting a good police job, every time we'd think, this is it, this one's gonna work, and they'd tell him he just wasn't "their kind of cop" I prayed all the time, and each time i kept getting the answer, it will all be worth it...so i held out, even when at times Adam had trouble keeping the faith that things would ever get better. While we'd wanted to have a baby, now it seemed like maybe we shouldn't have because we really couldn't afford it. we were so far in debt i felt weighed down every day. But you know, it took years and years and now when i think of how blessed we are, i can see (hind sight is always 20/20) that is really was worth it. If it hadn't been for the hard times i wouldn't appreciate the good nearly as much, or even know how much worse it COULD be. I know it's easy for me to say because right now i'm on the otherside (only right now, because it could change at any time) of the major money struggles. And i hope it doesn't sound rude of me to have told you this, because you have every single right to be bummed about all those things. But every time i look at you two i know there is so much in store, it's like i can see it in the twinkle of your eyes, God has serious plans for you, he's just taking HIS time, because it is all in HIS time. You and Mike are an AMAZING couple, and you WILL be given blessings for all the hard work and struggle you're going thru, it may not be the exact blessings you asked for...but it will be the blessings HE thinks you need. I wish i could reach thru this and give you a hug....and a smile because even after all those words, that's about all i can do, is smile for you, even if maybe sometimes you can't.

Scott and Kim said...

We love you friend! You are such an example to me Amber of a woman of great faith. While there are no words that I can say to take your trials away, you know that my friendship is ALWAYS extended to you guys....You are our "go to peeps"!