There have been many times in my life I've felt like I'm hanging on the edge of a cliff by my fingers, struggling to hang on, to pull myself up and once I pull my head above the plateau someone (something) comes along and kicks me back over. I tell myself I can endure this but once in a while I falter and ask why? It is not that I am blind to the abundance of blessings Michael and I have experienced. I know we have experienced many and I know where our blessings have come from. In my moments of weakness I wonder why we still allow ourselves to hope for more, for better. Why we allow ourselves to think this month will be the month we will be pregnant after more than 10 years of trying? Why do we hope when then it just means we still feel the ache deep within us to have a family of our own? Why can't we just give up when it would mean a release from fresh heartbreak each month when we realize that once again this most precious and blessing has eluded us? Why do we sit and plan together, talk of names or traditions we would will start when our day finally comes? Why did my sweet husband quit a job he loved to go back to school and get his Master's degree in an attempt to try and make the money needed to adopt or to do infertility treatments only to have his confidences shaken and his good grades disregarded?
Of course I know the answer to all these questions.
"...we follow the admonition of Paul - we believe all things, we hope all things, we have endured many things and hope to be able to endure all things..."
------Articles of Faith
Yet in asking for this dream, this wish, this "baby" I feel I have sinned. I feel as Alma did when he said in Alma 29:3 "But behold, I am a man (woman) and do sin in my wish; for I ought to be content with the things which the Lord hath allotted unto me."
I feel it every time someone announces they are expecting and I have to hold back a tear, not because I wish it were me (although I sometimes do) but because my first thought is a selfish one and I wish I could think only of them and their exciting announcement.
I feel it when someone I meet assumes we have waited to have children for one selfish reason or another.
I feel it every time I see the sorrow etched in my eternal companions usually smiling face. When we were younger I would awaken in the night and look at him and he would be smiling, peaceful in his dreaming, in his hoping but now I rarely find him grinning in the his slumber.
I feel it when a sweet and well-meaning old woman in a ward we were in took me aside and suggested that maybe we haven't been able to have a family of our own because of some unconfessed sin and it that could be remedied by seeing our Bishop.
I feel it when I see my husband striving so diligently in his school work only to have a delayed grade from a professor stop our student loan disbursement, erroneously drop him from his spring classes and wreak havoc on his academic status. After all. this is all just for a shot at, one day, being able to spend Christmas morning watching our child open gifts, to have a little one to read to at night, a sweet child to share in the abundance of love that Michael and I have to give.
If we stopped hoping the blows might not injure us like they do but that is not in us, that is not what we are made of, that is not who we are. No matter how much we may wish at times that we can stop dreaming, stop hoping I know we never will. We are Garietys and we DO HOPE ALL THINGS. I only hope that we can find a way to be content in our longing and that we never stop counting our blessings.
There are so many that have so little and we have more than most - we have love. We love each other and we love the Lord.
I hope that anyone who reads this will not think that I am making a case for you to feel sorry for us. Please don't because (most of the time) we don't. We are blessed and have had many unique opportunities because we do not have children yet.