Friday, January 15, 2010

What is Allotted Me

There have been many times in my life I've felt like I'm hanging on the edge of a cliff by my fingers, struggling to hang on, to pull myself up and once I pull my head above the plateau someone (something) comes along and kicks me back over. I tell myself I can endure this but once in a while I falter and ask why? It is not that I am blind to the abundance of blessings Michael and I have experienced. I know we have experienced many and I know where our blessings have come from. In my moments of weakness I wonder why we still allow ourselves to hope for more, for better. Why we allow ourselves to think this month will be the month we will be pregnant after more than 10 years of trying? Why do we hope when then it just means we still feel the ache deep within us to have a family of our own? Why can't we just give up when it would mean a release from fresh heartbreak each month when we realize that once again this most precious and blessing has eluded us? Why do we sit and plan together, talk of names or traditions we would will start when our day finally comes? Why did my sweet husband quit a job he loved to go back to school and get his Master's degree in an attempt to try and make the money needed to adopt or to do infertility treatments only to have his confidences shaken and his good grades disregarded?

Of course I know the answer to all these questions.

"...we follow the admonition of Paul - we believe all things, we hope all things, we have endured many things and hope to be able to endure all things..."
------Articles of Faith

Yet in asking for this dream, this wish, this "baby" I feel I have sinned. I feel as Alma did when he said in Alma 29:3 "But behold, I am a man (woman) and do sin in my wish; for I ought to be content with the things which the Lord hath allotted unto me."

I feel it every time someone announces they are expecting and I have to hold back a tear, not because I wish it were me (although I sometimes do) but because my first thought is a selfish one and I wish I could think only of them and their exciting announcement.

I feel it when someone I meet assumes we have waited to have children for one selfish reason or another.

I feel it every time I see the sorrow etched in my eternal companions usually smiling face. When we were younger I would awaken in the night and look at him and he would be smiling, peaceful in his dreaming, in his hoping but now I rarely find him grinning in the his slumber.

I feel it when a sweet and well-meaning old woman in a ward we were in took me aside and suggested that maybe we haven't been able to have a family of our own because of some unconfessed sin and it that could be remedied by seeing our Bishop.

I feel it when I see my husband striving so diligently in his school work only to have a delayed grade from a professor stop our student loan disbursement, erroneously drop him from his spring classes and wreak havoc on his academic status. After all. this is all just for a shot at, one day, being able to spend Christmas morning watching our child open gifts, to have a little one to read to at night, a sweet child to share in the abundance of love that Michael and I have to give.

If we stopped hoping the blows might not injure us like they do but that is not in us, that is not what we are made of, that is not who we are. No matter how much we may wish at times that we can stop dreaming, stop hoping I know we never will. We are Garietys and we DO HOPE ALL THINGS. I only hope that we can find a way to be content in our longing and that we never stop counting our blessings.

There are so many that have so little and we have more than most - we have love. We love each other and we love the Lord.

I hope that anyone who reads this will not think that I am making a case for you to feel sorry for us. Please don't because (most of the time) we don't. We are blessed and have had many unique opportunities because we do not have children yet.


Michael and Amber said...

well said. love you honey!

Sharee and Arthur said...

oh Amber, I wish we lived closer so I could hug you. I wish I had words that would help. but all I have is a hug that I'm sending to you in this blog comment. Not as good as a real hug, but, well, you know how long that drive is.

love you guys so much.

Andy & Mindy said...

Reading your post has brought me to tears, it's not that I'm feeling pity on you but rather understanding. Although it does not compare we waited 2 1/2 years unable to get pregnant, test after test...heartache, then when our time came I didn't know why us and not so may others and I felt unworthy. You have reminded me just how thankful I am for Skyler and that feeling that he might never come. You and Mike are inspirations to me thank you so much for sharing your thoughts it was touching.

Laura said...

I am crying from your beautiful testimony.
We think of you often and know you will be amazing parents. For now, we will be praying things will get worked out for Mike's classes.

Vera said...

Amber, i know there is nothing i could say that hasn't already been said, by you or by other comments. But i have thought of this subject and your sweet family so often. I never want to bring it up, to ask how you're doing with it. So often when i see you, i know you must be hurting to see others going thru having kids and i was so afraid to tell you this time we were pregnant because i didn't want to add any morsel of that pain. And i know i did not wait nearly as long as you, but before we had elaine we suffered many miscarriages, and then the waiting for a positive pregnancy test again, and then the fear of would it stick or not? i just know that the story to parenthood is different for each family, i knew two families in riverbank ward who both suffered with some strange fertility issues that could never be explained. One couple was married for 11 years, and she babysat EVERYBODY'S kids, and cried at home everytime someone else got pregnant, eventually it just happened, out of the blue, and no one could have been happier than they were at that moment. But the other family got tired of waiting and decided to adopt, during the adoption filing process she also miraculously got pregnant, then right after that one, she promptly had another one less than a year later. I think of these two couples the same way i think of you guys, i KNOW it will happen for you, whether you have your own or adopt your own (if you have any questions about adoption feel free to ask :) either way, i have ZERO doubt that some day you WILL have the christmas morning you dream of. Putting that dream out there, and hoping for it, and creating it and envisioning it in your mind is a good thing, it gives you something to look forward to, and when you finally have it, you'll know, you'll know you made it. This is a powerful tool in your optimism thru this all. In truth we all are striving for something more in some way or another, it is the only way to reach our eternal goals, is to continue to strive for that something....for each it is different but for each there is a struggle to be or have something more, while still appreciating everything gained along the way. I love you guys so much and think you're just amazing, and it is clear i have way too much time on my hands right now to make a comment this long :)

Jack and Joann said...

Dear Wife of My Second Cousin, Michael,

First, I can feel the pain you are experiencing and expressing in your writing. I'm sorry that I can only offer these words of comfort. Please try to remember the following two things:

One, in the end God is in charge of your life. We prepare, plan and hope but God is in charge so when things don't go accoring to your plans please move on mentally to accept the present circumstances whatever they may be.

Two, don't ask WHY ME? Ask WHY NOT ME. Why should I be removed from cares and worries and problems. For it is through experiencing hardships that we grow and become more creative and more fulfilled.

For a personal example: when I learned a little over a year ago that I had cancer---namely chronic lymphcytic leukemia I didn't say why me Lord. I said why not me Lord. I can handle it because I belong to the Gariety clan and Garietys are strong people. And since my cancer diagnosis over a year ago I know that I have become a much more creative, fulfilled and loving person.